
My name is You. (.) I just moved out to the wonderful city of Ypsilanti, to be closer to school and work. Everything is pretty cool, save for one thing: a small, beady-eyed cat named Luna that sheds more hair than a cancer patient.
Luna is a fucking lunatic. The little bastard is constantly trying to make me shit my pants while I am at home. When he isn’t pouncing on me, humping my leg in my sleep, or just staring at me from across the room for hours at end, he does something completely out of left field that makes me wonder what demon is inhabiting it.
Today I was taking my ritualistic shit that I always do before I proceed on with my day. I swear I shut the bathroom door all the way. I swear it. Well… my few quiet moments of my day (shitting) was interupted by a banging on the bathroom door. Moments later Luna had forced his way into the door. How does a ten pound cat manage to kick in a bathroom door? Answer: When you are the spawn of satan you can do whatever the fuck you please.
So there I am. Face to face with Luna while on the toilet. I told him to get out. He stared. I told him to get out or I would skin his ass and wear it as a scarf. He stared. I shouted several obscenities/hate crimes in response. He then quickly approached me and proceeded to try the claw the shit out of me. Despite me kicking him he would not stop his relentless attack. I literally had to wipe my soiled ass while this cat attacked me.
I have a feeling this is just the beginning for me and Luna. I am now going to bed. With any luck I won’t have my leg defiled while I rest tonight.